3 tips for employing 'the second empathy'

Great coaches have two kinds of empathy. The first empathy is with people’s actual situation. The second empathy is with people’s aspirations. Empathy is being able to see, feel and experience the world from another person’s point of view. Great coaches enable motivated people to make the transition between their actual situation and their aspirations. Let’s explore how to make this happen.

* You can employ the first empathy and focus on the person’s actual situation.

Imagine you are coaching somebody who has experienced a setback. The ‘classical’ approach is to spend considerable time showing the person you understand their situation. But the key point is: for how long? If you move-on too quickly, they may feel you have not respected their feeling. If you linger too long, however, you give the problem too much power. Your aim is to enable a person to take control of their life - rather than to become a victim.

Great coaches may only need a few minutes to make a person feel welcome and tune into their world. They then encourage the person to choose whether: a) they want to dwell on their misfortune or; b) they want to direct their future. They accept the authenticity of the person’s feelings. But then, when appropriate, begin helping them to explore their future options. So imagine you are coaching somebody who has experienced a setback. How can you connect with the person – but also be ready to help them to move forward? Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to demonstrate empathy with a person’s actual situation are:

*

* You can employ the second empathy and focus on the person’s aspirations.

Somebody who has suffered a setback may need time in a sanctuary to lick their wounds. They can then emerge to shape their future and achieve success. You can work with them on:

a) Their short-term aspirations.

People want to feel in control – so help them to ‘control the controllables’. After suffering a setback - such as redundancy, loss or illness – resilient people take charge of their feelings, finances and future. Enable them to take charge of the ‘practical things’ - such as getting an income, getting a new job or whatever. But the key is to encourage them to take charge of the ‘psychological things’. They can start by choosing their attitude - whether they are going to succeed or sulk. Then help them to explore their possible options - plus the consequences of each option – and pursue their chosen path. They can set short-term goals, translate these in action plans and get an early success. You can then move onto the next stage.

b) Their long-term aspirations.

Good coaches encourage people to lift their sights to their overall picture of success. So you may invite the person to tackle exercises that clarify their life goals. Most people want similar things in life. They want to be loved, happy, creative, successful and find peace. Everybody will, of course, translate these into their own individual goals. People need hope – especially in the midst of chaos. Good coaches help people to clarify their long-term aims and choose their way forward. They also enable them to connect their short-term actions with their overall picture of success. This provides them with a sense of meaning.

So imagine you are coaching somebody who has experienced a setback. How can you connect with their short and long-term aspirations? Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to demonstrate empathy with a person’s aspirations are:

*

* You can help the person to fulfil their aspirations.

Good coaches recognise that: “Enlightenment is okay, but the hard part is execution.” Many people have ‘Ah yes,’ moments, but then find it difficult to translate their visions into reality. If you are helping somebody who has suffered a setback, encourage them to ‘take ownership’ for shaping their future. Check they want: a) to move out of their sanctuary; b) to set specific goals; c) to work hard to achieve success. Encourage them to set short-term aims - because getting early wins builds confidence - and do something every day towards achieving their long-term aspirations. Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to help a person to fulfil their aspirations are:

*

Good coaches are like great leaders – they keep moving between the ‘concept’ and the ‘concrete’. Inspiring leaders reach people’s hearts by saying things like: “We shall overcome … I have a dream … ” But they also show how to put the philosophy into practice. Good coaches embrace this ability and also demonstrate the two kinds of empathy. They connect with where the person is today. But then enable them to envisage and shape their tomorrow.