3 tips for understanding the 'self-confidence pot'

How high is your self-confidence? Sometimes in our lives we feel up, sometimes we feel down. There are many reasons for this – but here is one explanation. This is based on the model called the ‘self-confidence pot’ that was devised by Virginia Satir, a pioneering family therapist. It invites you to do the following things.

* You can clarify your level of self-confidence.

Start by drawing an imaginary pot. (See illustration above.) Looking at the pot, draw a line that corresponds with how high you feel your self-confidence is today. If you have high confidence, draw it high up the pot. If your confidence is low, draw it at a lower point in the pot. The next step explores why it may be at this level.

* You can clarify your ‘pot fillers’ and ‘pot drillers’.

Write the names of your ‘pot fillers’. These are the people who give you encouragement and energy. You look forward to seeing them and feel more alive after meeting them. Also, describe the things you do to give yourself energy – such as listening to music, reading, gardening or whatever. If you have lots of things that give you positive energy, then your pot will be overflowing – and you will be more able to pass-on encouragement to other people. But there may be complications, which brings us to the next part of the exercise.

Write the names of your ‘pot drillers’. These are people who sap energy. They leave you feeling drained and discouraged. The more significant they are in your life, the nearer they will be to the base. You may also do things to drill holes in your own pot. One athlete, for example, continually criticised himself with negative self-talk after competitions. Reviewing performances is vital, but he devoted 90% of his energy to focusing on his failures, rather than his successes. He finally managed to change his script by adopting a different approach. After each performance he focused on: a) What I did well – and how I can do it more: b) What I can do even better in the future – and how. He grew in stature and immediately improved his performances.

One other point. Some people may be both pot fillers and pot drillers. They may have a ‘pleasing – hurting’ pattern. Sometimes they are positive then, without warning, they lash out. Clarify the specific things these people do to encourage or drain you.

* You can clarify how you can raise your self-confidence level.

How can you continue to raise your confidence and also encourage other people? Here are some suggestions you may wish to consider.

a) Spend more time with people who give you energy.

Start by spending time with your encouragers. If possible, only work with colleagues you find stimulating. People often find that, as they get older, they spend more time with personal and professional soul mates. Encourage yourself. Do more of the things you love, for example, listening to music, skiing, visiting the theatre or whatever. Pursuing these activities will put more energy into your pot.

b) Spend less time - or no time - with people who drain energy.

Radical changes are difficult to make overnight but, unless the holes are filled, encouragement will simply flow out of the bottom. You can do two things with stoppers.

- Stop seeing people who drain energy.

Why take such a drastic step? Energy is life. You need pure energy, rather than poisonous energy. Radical changes are difficult to make overnight but, unless the holes are filled, encouragement will simply flow out of the bottom. For example, two of the main reasons why people leave their jobs are: a) They are working for a manager who makes life difficult each day; b) They are doing work that no longer gives them a sense of fulfilment. So they begin searching for satisfying work with a manager whom they respect.

- Start making clear contracts with the people who both encourage and stop you.

Reward the positive. Give clear messages about the specific things you do like them doing. Explain how you would like to build on these parts of the relationship. Give positive alternatives to the negative. Say: “In the future, is it possible for you to …..” or “I would prefer it if you…” Present suggestions, rather than label them as ‘bad’. Don’t expect people to respond immediately; everybody needs time to lick their wounds. Don’t argue or fall into the blame game. What if the person refuses to respond? Then make the decision whether to stay or leave.

c) Be an encourager – a pot filler - for other people.

Encourage other people and they are more likely to support you. Give and give - but don’t become a victim. Do not stay around to have your pot drilled by people who choose to be miserable or ‘observer critics’.

Finally, when in doubt, ask yourself: “Is this activity giving me energy?” If not, switch to spending time with the people – and on the activities – that provide stimulation.