3 tips for beating the 'double-bind'

Have you ever been in a double-bind? The double-bind is a situation in which – not matter you do – you seem bound to lose. Double-binds cause great pain in the family and at work. Here are three suggestions for overcoming such situations.

* You can recognise the double-bind.

Let’s explore some double-binds. A child used a pawn between rowing parents, for example, will feel they cannot win. In the worst scenario, the mother says: “If you love me more than your father, come to me.” Father says: “If you love me more than your mother, come to me.” The child has an impossible choice. Showing favour to one parent will incur the wrath of the other. Both options are painful. Retreating into their private world is often their only salvation.

Double-binds also occur in our relationships at work. A strong signal that you are entering such territory is when you feel a knot in your stomach. Something happened - either between you and a manager, in a meeting, or elsewhere - which makes you feel uneasy. Examining the situation in detail, you find that you have been placed in a position where, whatever you do, you are bound to lose.

Some people even put themselves in double-binds. For example, they use 50% of their energy thinking of a positive way forward in their lives; then employ the other 50% knocking it down by worrying about what can go wrong. Confusing? Yes, but some people experience this inner-dialogue - and it becomes debilitating.

The first step is to recognise the double-bind. Simply giving a name to it puts the situation ‘outside’ yourself. You are not to ‘blame’ and can move onto the next step.

* You can do your best to beat the double-bind.

Clear contracting is the best way to untangle the double-bind. Start by contracting with yourself. Bearing in mind what you can and can’t control, clarify: a) The things I do want to do in this situation. b) The things I don’t want to do in this situation. Then make an action plan for going forward.

Imagine that you normally spend Christmas holidays with your parents. Looking back on previous festive visits, they start well, then lapse into boredom. September arrives and your parents will phone any day, inviting you for two weeks. Prepare your reply: “I am happy to come for two days. Then my partner and I are going to take a break overseas in the sunshine.” “But I have already ordered the turkey,” may be the response. Stand firm. Tough perhaps, but it is one way to move forward in the relationship.

Imagine a difficult professional situation—perhaps working at a desk next to a negative colleague. They are addicted to misery and are constantly whinging. If you remain quiet, you get depressed. If you ask them to stop moaning, they say: “Aren’t I allowed to express my feelings?” You can try to make clear contracts with them about how you would like them to behave in the future - and outline the benefits. Sometimes this approach works - but frequently it doesn’t. The people causing the pain are not open to ‘win-wins’ - they are stuck in ‘win-lose’ or ‘lose-lose’. When in doubt, choose the route forward that will, in the long term, cause you the least pain.

* You can recognise potential future double-binds.

Survivors develop the ‘radar’ to spot double-binds when these appear on the horizon. They recognise that avoiding such pain can save lots of energy. For example, you may apply for a manager’s job and be given the message:

“This is a great opportunity to show your leadership skills. There are many bright people in the team, but they come across as cynical. The last 3 managers failed to motivate them and, as a result, the team didn’t reach its targets. The company is trying to save money and it is not an option to make these people redundant. So this will be a good test of your motivational skills.”

Watch out! Try tackling the exercise called Beating the double-bind. First, describe where you may experience a ‘no win’ situation. Second, describe the factors that mean that, whatever you do, you are likely to lose. Third, describe the steps you can take to beat the double-bind. Prevention is better than cure. Spot the potential double-binds ahead of time and, wherever possible, set-up situations to succeed.