3 tips for beating the 'double-bind'

Have you ever been in a double-bind? The double-bind is a situation in which – not matter you do – you seem bound to lose. Double-binds cause great pain in the family and at work. Here are three suggestions for overcoming such situations.

* You can recognise the double-bind.

Let’s explore some double-binds. A child used a pawn between rowing parents, for example, will feel they cannot win. In the worst scenario, the mother says: “If you love me more than your father, come to me.” Father says: “If you love me more than your mother, come to me.” The child has an impossible choice. Showing favour to one parent will incur the wrath of the other. Both options are painful. Retreating into their private world is often their only salvation.

Double-binds also occur in our relationships at work. A strong signal that you are entering such territory is when you feel a knot in your stomach. Something happened - either between you and a manager, in a meeting, or elsewhere - which makes you feel uneasy. Examining the situation in detail, you find that you have been placed in a position where, whatever you do, you are bound to lose.

Some people even put themselves in double-binds. For example, they use 50% of their energy thinking of a positive way forward in their lives; then employ the other 50% knocking it down by worrying about what can go wrong. Confusing? Yes, but some people experience this inner-dialogue - and it becomes debilitating.

The first step is to recognise the double-bind. Simply giving a name to it puts the situation ‘outside’ yourself. You are not to ‘blame’ and can move onto the next step.

* You can do your best to beat the double-bind.

Clear contracting is the best way to untangle the double-bind. Start by contracting with yourself. Bearing in mind what you can and can’t control, clarify: a) The things I do want to do in this situation. b) The things I don’t want to do in this situation. Then make an action plan for going forward.

Imagine that you normally spend Christmas holidays with your parents. Looking back on previous festive visits, they start well, then lapse into boredom. September arrives and your parents will phone any day, inviting you for two weeks. Prepare your reply: “I am happy to come for two days. Then my partner and I are going to take a break overseas in the sunshine.” “But I have already ordered the turkey,” may be the response. Stand firm. Tough perhaps, but it is one way to move forward in the relationship.

Imagine a difficult professional situation—perhaps working at a desk next to a negative colleague. They are addicted to misery and are constantly whinging. If you remain quiet, you get depressed. If you ask them to stop moaning, they say: “Aren’t I allowed to express my feelings?” You can try to make clear contracts with them about how you would like them to behave in the future - and outline the benefits. Sometimes this approach works - but frequently it doesn’t. The people causing the pain are not open to ‘win-wins’ - they are stuck in ‘win-lose’ or ‘lose-lose’. When in doubt, choose the route forward that will, in the long term, cause you the least pain.

* You can recognise potential future double-binds.

Survivors develop the ‘radar’ to spot double-binds when these appear on the horizon. They recognise that avoiding such pain can save lots of energy. For example, you may apply for a manager’s job and be given the message:

“This is a great opportunity to show your leadership skills. There are many bright people in the team, but they come across as cynical. The last 3 managers failed to motivate them and, as a result, the team didn’t reach its targets. The company is trying to save money and it is not an option to make these people redundant. So this will be a good test of your motivational skills.”

Watch out! Try tackling the exercise called Beating the double-bind. First, describe where you may experience a ‘no win’ situation. Second, describe the factors that mean that, whatever you do, you are likely to lose. Third, describe the steps you can take to beat the double-bind. Prevention is better than cure. Spot the potential double-binds ahead of time and, wherever possible, set-up situations to succeed.

3 tips for managing crises successfully

There are many models for managing crises. You will behave differently if you are a doctor arriving at an accident, a manager solving a customer’s problem or if you are having a domestic argument with your partner. But there are certain common principles in each approach. It’s important to focus on calmness, clarity and concrete results. Let’s explore these three steps - and the steps within steps – for managing crises successfully.

* You can focus on calmness.

Calmness is crucial - whether you are arriving at the scene of an accident, solving a customer problem, counselling a distressed person or whatever. You need to get an overview of the situation, gather information and identify the key challenges to tackle. Sometimes you may also need to transmit calmness to other people. Think ahead to a possible challenging situation that you may face. How can you stay composed? How can you buy yourself time? How can you see things in perspective? Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to stay calm in a challenging situation are:

*

* You can focus on clarity.

Clarity is vital. Whilst you may need to act quickly, your actions must - as far as possible - fit in with the longer-term goal. So begin by asking yourself: “What are the real results I want to achieve? What is the picture of perfection?” Imagine you are having an argument with your partner. What is the real goal you want to achieve in the conversations? Do you want to win the present argument or build a long-term ‘win-win’ relationship? Establishing the real ‘What’ will influence ‘How’ you tackle the situation. Of course, you may also have a mixture of short, medium and long-term goals. If so, brainstorm all the things you want to achieve, list these in order of priority – then focus on tackling them from the top down. Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to do establish the real results I want to achieve are:

*

* You can focus on concrete results.

The next step is to deliver concrete results. How to make this happen? Start by clarifying your strategy. Ask yourself: “Bearing in mind the results to achieve, what are the potential solutions? What are the ‘conventional solutions’ – the tried and trusted ways to achieve the goals? What are the possible ‘creative solutions’? What are the pluses and minuses of each route? Which route do I want to take? How can I build on the pluses and minimise the minuses?” Choose your way forward – then implement the strategy. Keep going until you reach the desired goals. Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to explore the potential solutions & then deliver concrete results are:

*

Good crisis managers look beyond the present. After solving the problem, they take on-board the lessons and identify areas for improvement. Ask yourself: “What can I learn from the crisis? How can I prevent the problem happening again in the future? If it does occur again, however, how can I manage similar situations better in the future?” Clarify your conclusions – then put your action plans in place. Good crisis management can be the trigger for improving your quality of life in the future.

3 tips for shaping your future after a setback

Imagine that you have suffered a setback. You understand the stages that many people go through after such an experience. They travel through shock; denial, paralysis, anger, hurt, healing, new strength, new goals, hard work, success and self-confidence. You are aware of the journey – but the setback still hurts. How can you re-take control? Here are three steps you can consider. You can spend time in a ‘sanctuary’, then shape your future and achieve success. Let’s explore these steps.

* You can spend time in a sanctuary.

People who suffer a setback need time to lick their wounds. So it can be useful to spend time in your chosen ‘sanctuary’ - even if it is only for 10 seconds. “I tend to find a quiet corner where I can reflect,” said one person. “Certainly I find it useful to buy time to get angry, do some ‘grieving’ or make sense of what happened. Then I gather my strength to plot the way forward.” Where do you go to rest and reflect? You may sleep, go for a walk, talk with a friend or whatever. What do you then do to regain your strength?

Let’s explore how this works in practice. First, describe a potential setback that you may experience in the future. You may be overlooked for promotion, fail to get a customer order, have your book rejected by a publisher or whatever. Second, describe the possible sanctuaries you may use to recover from the setback. Third, describe what you will do in the sanctuary to re-gather your strength. Try completing the following sentences.

The potential setback I may face in the future is:

*

The ‘sanctuaries’ I may use to recover from the setback are:

*

The specific things I can do to regain strength while spending time in my sanctuaries are:

*

* You can focus on shaping your future.

Sanctuaries are great for a while, but then its important to begin exercising your muscles – otherwise the body atrophies. When you feel ready, emerge from the sanctuary and begin shaping your future. “I had two choices after suffering a particular setback,” said one person. “Put simply, I could dwell on the past or develop my future. I could choose to succeed or sulk. So I chose to succeed.” People do not always choose what happens to them – but they do choose their response to these events.

Let’s return to the potential setback you may face. Peak performers ask themselves the following questions in such situations. “What are the real results I want to achieve? How can I ‘control the controllables’? How can I build on what I can control and manage what I can’t control? Bearing these factors in mind, what are the potential options? What are the consequences of each option? Which is my chosen option? How can I make this happen? How can I build on the pluses and minimise the minuses? What could go wrong – and what is my back-up plan? How can I get a quick success?” You will, of course, have your own model for taking charge of the future. Looking at the potential setback you may face, try completing the follow sentence.

The specific things I can do to shape my future after the setback are:

*

* You can work hard to achieve success.

It’s then time to throw yourself into work. People choose different ways to work hard to achieve success - but several factors are worth bearing in mind. After deciding on your chosen path, pursue a clear action plan. Start the day with an early success - because this creates positive momentum - and follow your daily disciplines. One MD explained.

“The new owners of our parent company ‘displaced’ me one Friday. After taking a week off to collect my thoughts, I then made ‘getting a job’ a full-time job. I sat down at 8.30 on the Monday to contact people by email – focusing on those in my network - people who knew what I offered. Writing customised letters - rather than sending out a conventional CV - I outlined 3 things I could deliver to help their business to be successful. I also said I would be visiting their part of the country within the next month - even if I wasn’t - and asked if it would be useful to drop in for a coffee. Within 6 weeks I had two offers, both at a higher salary than my previous job.”

Keep working hard. But be patient and encourage yourself on the journey. When you hit a wall, retire for a short time to your sanctuary, regain strength - then emerge to work even smarter. Let’s assume you have charted your strategy for overcoming the setback. Bearing this route in mind, try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to work hard to achieve success are:

*

"Breakdowns can lead to breakthroughs," we are told. They can spur us towards greater success .

3 tips for managing setbacks successfully

Everybody experiences disappointments in life - the key is how they deal with the difficulties. Here are three ideas for managing setbacks successfully.

* You can recognise the stages people often go through when overcoming a setback.

Imagine you have experienced a setback. You may have had an accident, lost a job, contracted an illness, suffered a rejection or whatever. Whilst everybody reacts differently, many go through the ‘reactive change curve’. They experience the stages of shock, denial, paralysis, anger and hurt. Healing takes time. But they gather new strength, set new goals, work hard, achieve success and gather self-confidence. People may take time to recover; but they often emerge stronger, wiser and more able to shape their future.

* You can recognise your pattern for managing setbacks successfully.

Everybody has a history of overcoming difficulties. If you wish, try tackling the exercise on this theme called 'Managing setbacks successfully'. First, describe a time in your life when you overcame a difficulty. Second, describe what you did right then. For example, you may have taken ‘time-out’ to recover - even if only for 30 seconds. You may then have set a specific goal, gathered support and set-out on the journey. Travelling along the road, you found creative solutions to problems and kept working until you reached the goal. Everybody is different, so you will obviously have your own successful pattern. Looking ahead, describe how you can follow similar principles to overcome possible challenges in the future.

* You can recognise the importance of spending time in a sanctuary, shaping your future and getting a success.

People who experience setbacks often spend time in a ‘sanctuary’. They rest, recover and make sense of what happened. Sometimes they simply need time to lick their wounds. Give yourself permission to relax, re-centre and refocus - then move onto shaping your future. Concentrate on what you can control, rather than worry about what you can’t. Set specific goals and get an early success. Setbacks can act as alarm calls. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight, a person may say: “On reflection, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.” Gathering wisdom from the experience, they feel stronger and more able to achieve ongoing success.

You can find many exercises for building on your strengths and managing setbacks successfully at:

http://www.thestrengthsway.com

3 tips for reframing a situation as a 'positive challenge'

Peak performers often reframe a testing situation as a ‘positive challenge’ – rather than rush around with ‘pants on their head’. They adopt this approach in many circumstances, even those that involve life and death. Robert Muller, a former Assistant Secretary General for the UN, did this when escaping from the Nazis. Being hunted was so frightening, he said, that he reframed the experience as him being in a film. Robert found that ‘removing’ himself from the reality meant he was more able to see options. Looking back on his wartime experiences, he says they taught him the power of choice. “You can ‘decide’ how you are going to be in virtually any situation.” Robert later wrote a book on this theme called Most of all the taught me Happiness.

People sometimes translate difficult emotional situations into an intellectual challenge. Why? Because then it is easier to take a helicopter view and find solutions. Otherwise the feeling take over completely and they freeze. Let’s explore how this approach works in practice - particularly when encountering a testing situation.

* You can adopt a positive approach.

People who contract a serious illness sometimes reframe the journey as tackling a ‘project’. They adopt a positive approach by aiming to do their best and ‘controlling the controllables’. They concentrate what they can control, rather than worry about what they can’t control. One person explained:

“My first step was to take more control. So I scanned the internet to discover more about my illness. Previously I had waited for hospitals to return my messages. Nurses and doctors always do their best, but they are frequently run off their feet. So I threw myself into discovering everything I could about the illness, the support groups and regaining my health.”

The Penny Brohn Cancer Care organisation, for example, aims to offer people a variety of options for tackling their illnesses. Formerly The Bristol Cancer Help Centre, it specialises in offering complementary care. But it insists on enabling people to consider all kinds of treatments - conventional and complementary. The aim is to encourage people to shape their own futures.

Positive people aim to do their best. They are realistic, however, and concentrate on what they can control. Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, describe the specific situation you can reframe as a positive challenge. Second, describe the specific things you can do to adopt a positive approach towards this challenge.

The specific situation I can reframe as a positive challenge is:

*
The specific things I can do to adopt a positive approach towards this challenge are:

*

* You can set a positive goal and find a positive way forward.

Peak performers often use the ‘5C’ model for finding setting a crystal-clear goal and find creative ways forward. They focus on the challenges, choices, consequences, creative solutions and conclusions. Clarity is crucial. So when defining the challenge, identify the real results to achieve.

“Certainly I wanted to regain my health, but in some ways I saw that as a by-product” said the person who saw their illness as a ‘project’. “My aim was to care for my body and soul. So I chose to eat properly, do things I loved and pursue my chosen treatment. I also kept a blog – but tried to make it ‘educational’, rather then self-indulgent. My ‘project’ included helping others to navigate their way through this kind of illness in the future.”

Let’s return to the specific situation which you can redefine as a positive challenge. Try working through the following steps. Clarity is the key – start by defining the real results you want to achieve. Choices – describe the possible options. Consequences – describe the pluses and minuses of each option. Creative solutions – describe the potential imaginative solutions. Conclusions – describe your chosen route for tackling the challenge. Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to set a positive goal and find a positive way forward towards tackling the challenge are:

*

* You can do your best to get positive results.

“Persistence is crucial,” said one crisis manager. “Settle on your chosen strategy, then keep doing the right things. You must build-in ‘reality checks’, but sometimes you don’t see instant results. Keep looking for signs – even underneath the surface – for: a) What is working; b) What can be better and how. Encourage yourself and redouble your efforts. Do everything possible to reach the goal.”

Looking back on your life, can you recall a time when you tackled a challenge successfully? Perhaps you began by being consumed by emotion; but then explored many creative solutions. Pursuing your chosen route, you worked hard until you solved the crisis. How can you follow similar principles in the future? Let’s return to the situation have reframed as a challenge. Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to do my best to get positive results are:

*

Some you win, some you lose. But the key is always to do your best. You can do this by reframing things as a positive challenge – rather than by putting pants on your head.