3 tips for empathising with people's aspirations

Great coaches have two kinds of empathy. The first empathy is with people’s actual situation. The second empathy is with people’s aspirations. Empathy is being able to see, feel and experience the world from another person’s point of view. Great coaches enable motivated people to make the transition between their actual situation and their aspirations. Let’s explore how to make this happen.

* You can focus on where the person is now - their actual situation.

Imagine you are coaching somebody who has experienced a setback. The ‘classical’ approach is to spend considerable time showing the person you understand their situation. But the key point is: for how long? If you move-on too quickly, they may feel you have not respected their feeling. If you linger too long, however, you give the problem too much power. Your aim is to enable a person to take control of their life - rather than to become a victim.
Great coaches may only need a few minutes to make a person feel welcome and tune into their world. They then encourage the person to choose whether: a) they want to dwell on their misfortune or; b) they want to direct their future. They accept the authenticity of the person’s feelings. But then, when appropriate, begin helping them to explore their future options. So imagine you are coaching somebody who has experienced a setback. How can you connect with the person – but also be ready to help them to move forward? Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to demonstrate empathy with a person’s actual situation are:

*

* You can focus on where the person wants to be – their aspirations.

Somebody who has suffered a setback may need time in a sanctuary to lick their wounds. They can then emerge to shape their future and achieve success. You can work with them on:

a) Their short-term aspirations.

People want to feel in control – so help them to ‘control the controllables’. After suffering a setback - such as redundancy, loss or illness – resilient people take charge of their feelings, finances and future. Enable them to take charge of the ‘practical things’ - such as getting an income, getting a new job or whatever. But the key is to encourage them to take charge of the ‘psychological things’. They can start by choosing their attitude - whether they are going to succeed or sulk. Then help them to explore their possible options - plus the consequences of each option – and pursue their chosen path. They can set short-term goals, translate these in action plans and get an early success. You can then move onto the next stage.

b) Their long-term aspirations.

Good coaches encourage people to lift their sights to their overall picture of success. So you may invite the person to tackle exercises that clarify their life goals. Most people want similar things in life. They want to be loved, happy, creative, successful and find peace. Everybody will, of course, translate these into their own individual goals. People need hope – especially in the midst of chaos. Good coaches help people to clarify their long-term aims and choose their way forward. They also enable them to connect their short-term actions with their overall picture of success. This provides them with a sense of meaning.

So imagine you are coaching somebody who has experienced a setback. How can you connect with their short and long-term aspirations? Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to demonstrate empathy with a person’s aspirations are:

*

* You can focus on helping the person to get to where they want to be - and fulfil their aspirations.

Good coaches recognise that: “Enlightenment is okay, but the hard part is execution.” Many people have ‘Ah yes,’ moments, but then find it difficult to translate their visions into reality. If you are helping somebody who has suffered a setback, encourage them to ‘take ownership’ for shaping their future. Check they want: a) to move out of their sanctuary; b) to set specific goals; c) to work hard to achieve success. Encourage them to set short-term aims - because getting early wins builds confidence - and do something every day towards achieving their long-term aspirations. Try completing the following sentence.

The specific things I can do to help a person to fulfil their aspirations are:

*

Good coaches are like great leaders – they keep moving between the ‘concept’ and the ‘concrete’. Inspiring leaders reach people’s hearts by saying things like: “We shall overcome … I have a dream … ” But they also show how to put the philosophy into practice. Good coaches embrace this ability and also demonstrate the two kinds of empathy. They connect with where the person is today. But then enable them to envisage and shape their tomorrow.

You can find more tools on this theme in the free download The Mentor's Pack at:

http://www.thestrengthsway.com

3 tips for facilitating a mentoring session

How can you facilitate a mentoring session? One approach is to follow the classic ‘5C’ model which is based on creative problem-solving. This encourages the mentee to focus on their challenges, choices, consequences, creative solutions and conclusions. Let’s explore how you can follow these steps in your own way.

* You can welcome the person, create a stimulating sanctuary and, when appropriate, explore their first challenge.

Good mentors begin by making the person feel welcome and creating a stimulating sanctuary. They then establish what the person wants to explore during the session. You will do this in your own way – but here are some questions you can ask to clarify the person’s agenda.

“What are the topics would you like to explore? What for you would make it a successful session? Looking at these various themes, which is the first challenge you would like to tackle? Can you give some background and explain what is happening at the moment? What is it you can and can’t control in this situation? Looking at the challenge, what are the real results you want to achieve? What is your picture of perfection? What are your specific goals? Let’s be crystal-clear on the ‘What’ before moving onto the ‘How’.”

* You can clarify their choices, consequences and creative solutions.

Good mentors help the person to explore their choices – the possible options for tackling the challenge. They then move onto the consequences – the pluses and minuses of each option. Finally during this stage, they help the person to consider possible creative solutions. Again, you will do this in your own way, but here are some trigger questions you may ask the person at each stage.

“Let’s consider the possible choices you have for tackling this challenge. What do you see as Option A? (Doing nothing is, of course, an option.) What is Option B; Option C; Option D; Option E? What other strategies have you tried before? Are there any other possible options?

“Let’s consider the consequences of each option. What are the pluses and minuses involved in pursuing Option A; Option B; Option C; Option D; Option E? We will soon be exploring potential creative solutions, but first let’s check your gut feeling for each of the possibilities. Rate the attractiveness of each option. Do this on a scale 0--10.

“Let’s move onto the possible creative solutions. First, let’s re-establish your goals. What are the real results you want to achieve? Looking at the different options you have outlined: Is it possible to take the best parts from each option and create a new road? Let’s learn from your successful history. Have you ever been in a similar situation in the past and managed it successfully? What did you do right? How can you follow these paths again in the future? Looking at the challenge: Are there any other possible creative solutions?”

Good mentors move onto sharing any ideas, tools and models the mentee can use to achieve success. They pass-on this knowledge in a way the mentee can accept and check-out which ideas resonate. You will do this in your own way and continue until the mentee is ready to move onto the next stage.

* You can help the person to clarify their conclusions.

There is often a natural rhythm to a mentoring session. You will encourage the mentee to explore the first challenge, choices and consequences. After considering the potential creative solutions, the mentee reflects and then, at a certain point, will be ready to move onto the final stage – their conclusions. They settle on their plan for tackling the challenge. When it feels appropriate, you can enable them to take this step by using some of the following questions.

“Looking at the different options we have discussed, which route do you want to travel? What will be the pluses and minuses of pursuing this option? Are you prepared to accept the whole package? Let’s move on to your action plan. What steps must you take to reach your goals? How can you make this happen? Momentum is vital, so how can you get an early success? You can only do your best, of course, and make sure you also have a back-up plan. What is the next challenge you want to tackle?”

You will have your own style of facilitating a mentoring session – but the 5C model can be a useful approach to add to your repertoire. It provides a good framework for helping people to find creative solutions to challenges.

You can find out more about this approach in The Art of Mentoring or by downloading The Mentor's Pack at:

http://www.thestrengthsway.com